You are here

Lutheran Airlines

“Velcome to da Lutern Airlines! Da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta vit service to Visconsin, Nort Dah-Kota, and sometimes Sout Dah-Kota.

I am Lena Ingvist, yer flight attendant and stewardess, tew,

Ve are a no-frills airline. Ve are all in da same boat on Lutern Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience, so velcome aboard.

As you know, dere is no first class on Lutern Airlines, airflight tew thousand tventy tew.

Meals are pot luck: rows one tru 6 ver to bring da lefsa; 7 tru 15, da salad; 16 tru 21, da main hot-dish; and 22-30 da romniegrot. 

Ve vill be singing 99 bottles uv beer on da vall, so basses and tenors pleess sit in da rear of da aircraft, and remember everyvun is responsible for der own baggage. 

All fares are free-vil offering and the plane vil not land until da budget is met.

Direct yer attention to yer flight attendent who vill acqvaint yew vit da safety system aboard this Lutheran Tvin Yet 599. 

“Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vunce. In da event of sudden loss uv cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised, so vill Captain Olson, becuz ye vill be flying right around 2 tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vud prolly indicate the Second Coming or somting of dat nature, so I vuldn't bodder vit dem little masks on dem rubber tubes, Yer gonna have bigger tings to vorry about dan yust dat. Just stuff dose tings back up in der little holes. 

Prolly da masks fell out because of turbulence, which to be honest vit yew, we've been flying at 2 tousand feet and dat is sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile, you vill get used to it. 

In da ewent of a vater landing, I'd say yust fergit it. Start saying Da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you have time to git to da part about forgive us our sins as ye forgive dose who sint against us (vich some people say “trespass against us”, vich isn't right, but den, vat can ya dew? 

Use uv cell phones is strictly forbidden, not becuz dey interfere vit the planes navigational system, vich, by da vay, is”seat of the pants all da vay”. No, cell phones is a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant yew to use dem, he vould have put yer mout on da side of yer head, so stow dose suckers! 

Ve're gonna start lunch buffet style vit da coffee pot up front. First, ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket right in front of yew. Don't take yers vit you yen you go or I am going to be real upset vit yew, and I ain't kiddin' edder!” 

Tanks for flying Lutem Airlines, flight tew thousand tventy tew.